What To Ask an Offshore Surgeon Before You Schedule
One minute you were twenty-five, you closed your eyes for a millisecond, opened your eyes and whammmm! You are over sixty-five. As sure as pigeons flock to bread crumbs, extra pounds have flown to your : A. Abdomen; B. Thighs; C. Chin and/or upper neck; D. All of the above.
Ok class! If you have answered D. Nurse Donna is giving you an A+.
Even though Nurse Donna, your expert in all things cosmetic surgery, has given you an excellent test score, there seems to be one tiny problem. You do have enough savings for food and rent and even a few happy hours a week. However, your financial picture does not include vast amounts for cosmetic changes to your exterior. So, what to do?
Because doing without is not in my nature, I have decided to hop over to the next island and seek some good, old-fashioned, actually, new-fashioned plastic surgery.
Where Can You Get More Bang For Your Buck?
I recently sent a pay pal deposit to one Dr. Mallol, board certified (at least in the DR,) cosmetic surgeon. Oh, and the depth and breadth of the surgical pool there is as deep as the Atlantic and Pacific combined. Today my yoga teacher, Margarita Torres looked me over and asked exactly where did I think I needed liposuction. To which I replied, Margarita mi amor, you have not seen me nude!
What if I walked out right now, on busy Isla Verde Avenue, stark-raving nude, except for my flip-flops? Here is what would happen–Thousands of people would run away in panic and revulsion. Why, they may even run to the nearest supermarkets and clean out the shelves! Or, worst scenario, in their haste to escape at all costs, hundreds, or at least dozens, would be trampled by the crowds. No one would be spared, even babies.
Remember the cold war when some folks built bomb shelters? Perhaps there would be Donna Shelters. Although my dear old Dad, with infinite wisdom, decided the best defense in those nervous days was to bend over and kiss your……
So, having paid this deposit, I did forget to ask if Dr. Mallol had admitting privileges at any hospital. I am waiting for a reply. Via PayPal, I sent him $250, which will be taken off my tab. Yes! I do hate those non-refundable deposits that do not apply to a dang thing!
However, if his answer to my question is nada, I already have another doctor in mind–who is also eye candy. Why not have a pretty face greet you when your eyes open? Of course, almost every surgeon I considered in the Dominican Republic learned their craft in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. In case you never had work done, or are blissfully ignorant, Rio is both the Godmother and Godfather to plastic surgeons everywhere. Perhaps Brazilian training is equivalent to the Good Witch of the North in the classic film, Wizard of OZ. What was her name? Glenda!!
Oh, and if they give you a half-answer, such as “We have a defibrillator and a crash cart in the clinic, then I would instruct you to drop them like a hot potato. Or, if you like Puerto Rican food, a hot Yucca fry. By the way, a defibrillator is a handy trinket that will restart someone’s heart. You may have seen one in your local mall. As long as you can read on a second-grade level, they are easy to operate.
Also ask your betrothed surgeon (you are married for at least a day,) how long you should stay in the country. Dr. Mallol’s office manager said at least 8 days. I may stretch this to 10. Why not gather up the husband and have a real vacation? Even though we live in paradise, I have never met an island that I do not like. Have frequent flier miles–will travel. Was that from classic TV’s Gunsmoke? Have Gun, will Travel? Quick! someone find me a trivia master.
Ask about wha I t happens after surgery. I have decided to get a nurse in to check on me. Actually, my husband is extremely good at dressing changes, but in the DR a nurse only costs $45 a day. Even my husband said, “You would be a fool not to get one!!” This is the opposite to his remarks when I come home, laded with packages, at the mall. (Just hide the new purchase for a short time-this works!)
Also, and this may be the most important thing, Ask what type of pain medication are you going to be receiving. Note to doctor–Never Ever tell me I am getting Tylenol! That is a sissy drug if I ever saw one! I had back surgery in 2015. Guess what? I still have half a portion of the good stuff, Percocet. Do you think I should throw it down the drain? I say, forgettaboutthat!!!!