Is CoolSculpt for you?
To CoolSculpt® or not to CoolSculpt®, that is the question.
We the Baby Boomers are constantly searching for a magic pill or elixir to make us younger, thinner and more energetic. This is important in the employment arena and crucial in the after-divorce soulmate search. Or, even the one night stand search. I report, you decide.
While a healthy diet, exercise and sleep make everyone feel better, the products advertising get-young quick schemes are no better than get-rich quick schemes.
The CoolSculpting official website says the average cost is between $2,000 and $4,000 per session. Wow! that would buy lots of Botox® and fillers for moi! Or, even better, targeted liposuction, preferably the method that uses ultrasound.
As a child, I loved the Wizard of Oz. I remember hiding under a blanket at age six in front of our black and white TV. I was terrified of the flying monkees and the Wicked Witch of the East. When it was just Dorothy and friends, I ventured a peak from underneath my blanket. The Great and Powerful Oz warned me not to look behind the curtain.
Now, my favorite hobby is to follow the money behind the curtain and then tear the curtain down. When I am really angry, I douse the curtain with gasoline and burn the dang thing.
CoolSculpt® was not designed for those with significant weight to lose. It is only for stubborn pockets of fat.
CoolSculpt was designed to deal with stubborn fat that will not die, even after a nuclear assault of vigorous dieting and exercise. In my family, we have something we call the “Gloor Curse,” which is a direct- deposit fat account for the belly. Before my tummy tuck, I looked like a pregnant string bean.
Many families have a version of this curse. Most of the time the fat goes to the abdomen, but other families get their fat assets deposited on their butt thighs or hips. CoolSculpt, after about three sessions, freezes the fat that is then gobbled up by your white cells. After the white cells dispatch the offending fat cells, they are excreted with a bit of help from the kidneys.
Did you know that your kidneys are really your body’s chemists? I could have used their help in high school!
I was briefly acquainted with a woman in Puerto Rico who paid $1800 for CoolSculpt®. She complained that it was not worth it. CoolSculpt® works by freezing fat cells. Then, they are gobbled up by the body’s white blood cells, the same ones that engulf bacteria and viruses. Finally, the offending but dead fat cells are carted off to the kidneys and excreted in urine.
It takes almost ninety days to see what the results are, and that is ninety days too late for my checkbook. However, I must admit that peeing away fat cells is an intriguing idea. I have friendly toilets in three continents because I do not want to be incontinent.
It is supposed to be used for pockets of fat, ideally in patients of normal weight, not Twiggy weight mind you, but may have a belly or thigh bulge. My disappointed friend was not a candidate in the first place, because she was overweight from stem to stern.
Oh, here is another important element of our tale. The doctor she used was not certified in either plastic or cosmetic surgery. I know because I checked with my His Imperial Highness King Google. and a very useful doctor- rating site, Healthgrades. This doctor she consulted with had his technician do the treatment. He made the $1800 and paid his technician $9 an hour.
Pay scales for low level employees in health care here would not buy dinner at Burger King.
If you go for this or any other treatment, ask if the doctor will be doing the treatment and if not, ask for a deep discount; or just walk away.
I asked my friend why she didn’t just have liposuction and call it a day. She confessed to being afraid of liposuction and needles generally. I’m amazed at her fear since she is a mother. After childbirth, anything else is a pain picnic.
In any event, stay away from CoolSculpt® if you value your bank account. One of the reasons why it is so expensive is that the machines run into the thousands. In order to pay for the machines, the doctor has to use them. This is the same pricing criteria for MRI’s and all the other modern and way-cool medical toys.
I saw some very amusing videos on You Tube of ladies taking ice packs bought at a dollar store and placing the on their tummies or thighs for an hour each night. They got results. Proponents of CoolSculpt® warn against this dollar store procedure because only the machine may keep the coolness at a precise 37 degrees.
Another low-tech low price gadget, the thermometer, would be ideal to check on the dollar store ice packs. One enterprising company even came out with custom made ice pack holders. I believe that they came in sizes small to extra- large. At $80, they were a cheaper alternative.
I would rather go under dreamy anesthesia, and wake to Dr. Mark Manstein of Huntingdon Valley, Pa waving a huge vat of fat and saying, “I never got so much fat off of a skinny girl.” Yes, this really happened.
Now we’re talking! I will sign up tomorrow to donate both my fat and my husband’s–for free!